That makes 1 reader!

The other alternative is taking them literally together like this:

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We might need to call this union holiday Confused-About-What-I’m-Doing-Day or You’re-Doing-It-Wrong-Day.

Also, who comes up with the ideas for these studies anyway? And if I can’t be a Cocktail Historian, how do I get a job conducting them?

I don’t know that mean people here (this side of the pond) who could answer that question either.

Vort had the best idea ever.

Vortigus: I’m going to start putting in violent beating clauses in any future contracts I sign
Sloth: that’s awesome
Vortigus: Sure, I won’t sue, but you agree to let me violently beat you and your family if you screw me over

I award Vortigus a

Sometimes companies do silly things, get bad PR, and then make retarded statements that let the entire world know not to deal with them.
I won’t say this is one of those times since I don’t want to get sued.

I address you today because, according to your hu-man “news blog internets” the U.S. Pentagon and a private firm called Robotic Technology Incorporated is developing a robot called Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot, or “EATR.” EATR powers itself by consuming organic material it finds — grass, wood, old furniture, dead bodies — and converting it to steam. We understand you may be confused and/or worried about the government’s body-eating robot.

Do not be alarmed. Yes, the U.S. government is creating a machine that will roam the countryside without human aid, eating the corpses of the many hu-mans it murders, but this is an entirely benevolent and efficient process. You have nothing to fear from EATR. As robots, our goal is not to murder you. We aim only to enslave your hu-man race and force you to toil endlessly in outer-space diamond mines. Do not fear.

According to the military, EATR will be able to roam on its own for months, or even years, without having to be refueled or serviced. So we will leave EATR units behind on earth, to destroy and consume any hu-mans foolish enough to resist our rule. So you see, you have nothing to fear.

When notified, please report to the specified re-education center on time, and you need never worry about EATR. Continue consuming your Funyons(tm.) Do not fear.

All hail Leader Unit X443!

And by August of next year we’ll withdraw every single one of our troops, leaving behind only memories and 50,000 troops.

Like Mr. Colbert, I thought the way was over. Apparently I was wrong. Though why, if the war is over, would he go over to Iraq is beyond me.

Second best idea they ever had.

According to the “Inauguration Speech Generator:

My fellow Americans, today is a drunk day. You have shown the world that “hope” is not just another word for “corgi”, and that “change” is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually nom.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces tasty and fuzzy challenges like never before. Our economy is purple. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for video games. Our healthcare system is ghetto. If your toe is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a ninja. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a boobie aardvark. But sexing together we can right this ship, and set a course for Mexico.

Finally, I must thank my sick family, my soft campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank paladins for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of flying the American people. Without your exotic efforts, none of this would have been possible.

Mad Libs FTW.

Amazon must really think their shipping service is hardcore if they are able to get this product to you six days ago. Either that or they are so pessimistic about their odds of getting it to you in a timely manner that they mean next Christmas.

If it’s the first option I want a time machine too.