Also, who comes up with the ideas for these studies anyway? And if I can’t be a Cocktail Historian, how do I get a job conducting them?

Amazon must really think their shipping service is hardcore if they are able to get this product to you six days ago. Either that or they are so pessimistic about their odds of getting it to you in a timely manner that they mean next Christmas.

If it’s the first option I want a time machine too.

2. The fact that I answer my cell phone with my work phone greeting (not to mention, answering the work phone when I talk in my sleep) just serves as further proof that I need a vacation. Permanently. Preferably someplace tropical. A fruity cocktail would also be acceptable for now.

3. You have to have the first 30 seconds of “hey, how are you? blah blah” conversation. Otherwise, people bitch that you’re rude, short & unfriendly. They also miss the chance to tell you their life story, which they are often dying to do, especially if you are a total stranger and they are going through a messy divorce.

In short, it doesn’t matter how you answer the phone. Most people are idiots and won’t listen anyway.

It seems that the Saudi religious police are taking the fact that men are walking cats and dogs (seriously, walking cats?) to make passes on women. From Tyler’s post:

The final question, of course, is how do you use a pet cat to make a pass at a woman? I’ve heard of people walking their cats, but I expect it is not an easy experience. To limit sex, cats should be subsidized, not taxed. No?

So I wonder. Is the Saudi society somehow undermined if people meet each other on a sidewalk? Is this a threat to arranged marriage or something?

I see promising gains being made all over the world in freedom and acceptance of differences. And then I look at one small area of the world full of ignorance and fossil fuels and I scratch my head.

Oh, and the cats make their own arrangements when that time comes around, but I have to lock the dog up in the basement or the bathroom or something or he just starts barking. So in my experience at least cats aren’t as bad as Tyler makes out.

Kanida is hot, muggy, smelly, and expensive. It was really humid the entire weekend and the only thing that made it acceptable was a strong breeze off of Lake Huron. Lake Huron gets a 9/10 btw since it was smooth the whole time and cool and not smelly and practically free.

We saw a really run down indian reservation. That got a 2/10. The restaurant in the shopping center near there though had “traditional native fried bread” which gets 8/10.

So Canatuna must have like 99% sales tax. A hamburger and fries was $13. Fish and chips was like $15. For perch. Not even for pufferfish or anything. Around where I live it’s usually like $7. Drinks at a bar were $5-8 a piece which is a bit steep but when you factor in that they didn’t appear to even have any alcohol (and tasted just like mixer) a shot of liquor must be like $20 there.

We stopped at a liquor store and a beer store. The Beer Store actually. You see, Soberada is a socialist nation. The best way to control a populace in a tyrannical nation is to control the alcohol supply. Hence The Beer Store. It’s the only place (seemingly) you can buy beer. A 6 pack of beer is roughly twice the cost of what people in the States pay. This probably explains the people with hand carts and 20 18-packs of bud light coming back over to Canadia on the ferry. Oh, and about the liquor stores. In Corndidia the only liquor stores are LCBO stores. They are pretty nice as far as stores go, more like a Macy’s than a Walmart. A 750mL bottle of Jose Cuervo runs about $35 Eh’dian. Right now greenbacks and loonies are about even so we can say that’s roughly $35 USD. Three blocks away from my house I can buy the same bottle of Cuervo (or at least a close cousin) for around $16.

If it wasn’t for a minimum wage of $8 and up and healthcare/retirement/etc that the people with jobs have to pay for in their probably 200% income tax I don’t know how anyone can get drunk in Nadcania. There must be a bum booze subsidy program or something for the stinky part of the population.

Overall, Candidia gets a 6/10. It’s fun to visit but expensive, hot and smelly. You don’t think Candacia is hot? I can say honestly that 100% of the times I have been to Candardia in the last year it has been hot and muggy. Proof enough.

Bonsai Kitten

Turns out the woman is good for something, pointing me here.

It’s Pecorino Sardo cheese that someone thought to add cheese fly larvae too. The larvae chew it up and crap it out and then you get to eat it. Some people don’t even pick the larvae out before they eat it. It’s so hardcore that Wikipedia even has a section about the dangers of eating this cheese.

Thanks (or not) to The Consumerist for this.

1. Cooking for one person is so pointless you might as well get a pizza. Or Wendy’s. It’s actually cheaper.
2. Hanging out with a couple means you are the third wheel.
3. No one goes to a restaurant to eat by themselves.
4. People ask ‘How is your dating life going?’
5. You are the subject of lots of useless advice.
6. You have to clean your apartment all by yourself.
7. Porn is not a substitute for sex.
8. Coming to an empty apartment is depressing. Walls cannot talk back. Cats however do.
9. You have no one to go to Wal-Mart with at 1 A.M.
10. You have no one to help carry in the $88.32 worth of stuff you bought at Wal-mart.
11. No one calls you at 7:30 A.M. on Saturday to get you up for class.
12. You miss the sensation of cold doggie nose on your testicles.
13. You secretly kind of wanted to see Horton Hears a Who.
14. You find it hard to sleep without someone snoring in your ear and taking all the covers.

I may add more to this as thoughts occur to me, and anyone else should feel free to add to it as well.

Why were there NERF guns on campus anyway? Well it turns out that humans on BGSU’s campus were using these NERF guns to protect themselves from zombies. I applaud the humans at BGSU for their attempt and have to wonder if the administration there may already be xombiefied.

Maybe this banning of NERF weapons provides the BGSU humans the opportunity to get real zombie defense kits. I personally recommend the following equipment:

1. Fire Axe (any brand)
2. 1911 .45 ACP pistol (choose a reliable brand)
3. Benelli Tactical Shotgun (collapsible to conserve space)
4. Body Armor (look for something resistant to slashing and bludgeoning)
5. Helmet (braiiinnnsssss)

Some optional but handy items you might also want.

6. Incendiary Grenades (burning is very effective versus most undead)
7. Flamethrower (see above)
8. Barrel of Kittens (too many brains can distract zombies and temporarily stun them)
9. Holy Water (generally considered effective against undead. Also you can give yourself last rites)
10. Mark III Suit (this is pretty much zombie immunity all in one. and badass looking)

Some additional pieces of advice:

• Don’t mess about with knives vs. zombies. Stabbing doesn’t work. They need to be chopped up into tiny pieces or you are still in trouble.
• Stick to explosive or incendiary bullets if possible. Again the explosion thing.
• Don’t waste your time using a riot shield like the one kit I linked to. It just gives the zombies something else to grab a hold of and won’t stop them anyway.
• Unlike normal video game combat rules, don’t aim for the zombie’s head. There isn’t anything useful there. Aim for center of mass. Hope for a knock down or dismemberment.
• If you are a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing a zombie attack would be a really good time to wake up Alucard.
• Zombies hate garlic. It won’t stop them from eating your brain, but at least they won’t enjoy it as much.

I really don’t think the BGSU humans are going to follow my advice though. According to the article:

The human’s main form of defense used to come in the form of Nerf guns, but is now being downgraded to balled up socks and marshmallows.

That’s doing it wrong.

What’s next? Lawsuits because car doors don’t have hand sensing technology?

Buying that private island in Mexico is looking better and better by the day. And at only $136K, it’s a steal!

This guy chose to strap in his Busch and leave the baby to bounce around his back seat. Needless to say, he was arrested and taken off to jail.

Yes. They are exactly what they sound like. No. I have not and will not be making them.

Now, the next time your significant other or current fling denies you the nookie you so rightfully deserve, just point him/her/them to this website.

You can thank me later.

1. The dog ate my condom.

2. Cold doggy nose on my balls. AKA instant shrivel.

3. The 5-0 at the door. Courtesy of Sage.

4. Partner taking phone calls or texting the parent folk.  Also courtesy of Sage.