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Bowling Green State University has banned NERF guns on campus.

Why were there NERF guns on campus anyway? Well it turns out that humans on BGSU’s campus were using these NERF guns to protect themselves from zombies. I applaud the humans at BGSU for their attempt and have to wonder if the administration there may already be xombiefied.

Maybe this banning of NERF weapons provides the BGSU humans the opportunity to get real zombie defense kits. I personally recommend the following equipment:

1. Fire Axe (any brand)
2. 1911 .45 ACP pistol (choose a reliable brand)
3. Benelli Tactical Shotgun (collapsible to conserve space)
4. Body Armor (look for something resistant to slashing and bludgeoning)
5. Helmet (braiiinnnsssss)

Some optional but handy items you might also want.

6. Incendiary Grenades (burning is very effective versus most undead)
7. Flamethrower (see above)
8. Barrel of Kittens (too many brains can distract zombies and temporarily stun them)
9. Holy Water (generally considered effective against undead. Also you can give yourself last rites)
10. Mark III Suit (this is pretty much zombie immunity all in one. and badass looking)

Some additional pieces of advice:

• Don’t mess about with knives vs. zombies. Stabbing doesn’t work. They need to be chopped up into tiny pieces or you are still in trouble.
• Stick to explosive or incendiary bullets if possible. Again the explosion thing.
• Don’t waste your time using a riot shield like the one kit I linked to. It just gives the zombies something else to grab a hold of and won’t stop them anyway.
• Unlike normal video game combat rules, don’t aim for the zombie’s head. There isn’t anything useful there. Aim for center of mass. Hope for a knock down or dismemberment.
• If you are a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing a zombie attack would be a really good time to wake up Alucard.
• Zombies hate garlic. It won’t stop them from eating your brain, but at least they won’t enjoy it as much.

I really don’t think the BGSU humans are going to follow my advice though. According to the article:

The human’s main form of defense used to come in the form of Nerf guns, but is now being downgraded to balled up socks and marshmallows.

That’s doing it wrong.

You’re on your weekly beer run with the wife and baby cause everyone knows marriage and parenthood lead to alcoholism. Who or what do you use a seat belt on?

This guy chose to strap in his Busch and leave the baby to bounce around his back seat. Needless to say, he was arrested and taken off to jail.

Nothing quite tops off a wedding than vampire porn. Gratz to sage and minerva.

BA is something we’ve talked about in the past here at Abodes. Being a reader of a consumer policy and law blog, I see that there’s a lot happening with congress listening to why BA is bad.

Unlike most posts, I can add a call to action here, support the arbitration fairness act by writing your congress people.

Some of you might be aware of my dislike for Binding Arbitration.So we see a mix of that with occupational hazards for contractors in Iraq in this story about a woman’s time in a shipping container. It doesn’t seem as good as some other’s time in a shipping container.

But back to the story - because of binding Arbitration and the fact it happened in Iraq it looks like she gets the short straw. Not fun. There are plenty of better ways to be bound.

(Editor’s note: There may very well still be criminal charges filed, especially considering how much media attention this is starting to get. Arbitration only applies to civil cases.)

(Editor’s Editor’s note: Bush has given many of the contractors in Iraq the ability to get out criminal charges for stuff that happens over there and it did happen in Iraq. They might have be able to press criminal charges.) 

Clamcheese may want to think twice about his next visit to his “watering hole”, or at least wear a face mask…

Hello Kitty, Queen of All Things Pink and Cute, is now featured on a custom AK-47 assault rifle. And at only $1073, it’s a steal compared to the $3450 Hello Kitty Kimora Lee Simmons diamond watch. The gun is also much cuter than the watch.

So who wants to buy me one?

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I hate to interrupt our current political theme. But while Theoretical Ideal Candidate and death by taxes are important and all, fuzzy handcuff crime is truly srs bsns:

A parolee faces charges of robbing a lingerie and adult novelties store after locking up a clerk with a pair of off-the-shelf handcuffs.

Here in the beautiful state of Michigan, our legislature is debating how much to increase or income and sales taxes by. They were debating whether to increase them at all; but those days are long gone. Cause, yanno, it’s a lot easier to tax your state’s residents to raise an extra $1 billion than it is to find ways to spend less money so said $1 billion isn’t needed at all.

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Much gratitude to the Elf, but my bra and panty needs were not exactly what I was trying to satisfy…..Sloth, can I borrow your honey when you’re done with it?