This is stupid.

A pint of Guinness Drought (the more caloric one) has 210 calories. That’s .370 calories per gram.

A bottle of Michelob Ultra has 73 calories. That’s .265 calories per gram.

A slice of Wonder Bread contains 79 calories. That’s 2.565 calories per gram.

So beer might very well be runny bread but it’s diet runny bread. Bitches.

Economists can study pirates though. Peter T. Leson from George Mason University has published two papers and is working on a third legitimately studying pirates from an Austrian Economists perspective. (Actually read this link on Austrian Economists if you want a more concise explanation.)

An-arrgh-chy: The Law and Economics of Pirate Organization (which I haven’t had a chance to read yet)

Pirational Choice: The Economics of Infamous Pirate Practices. (which I am in the process of reading and which is very good)

and the work in progress:
The Invisible Hook: The Hidden Economics of Pirates, History’s Most Notorious Criminals – Abstract (this abstract makes this paper look to be the best of the three…and it’s short for your poor attention spans)

1. Cooking for one person is so pointless you might as well get a pizza. Or Wendy’s. It’s actually cheaper.
2. Hanging out with a couple means you are the third wheel.
3. No one goes to a restaurant to eat by themselves.
4. People ask ‘How is your dating life going?’
5. You are the subject of lots of useless advice.
6. You have to clean your apartment all by yourself.
7. Porn is not a substitute for sex.
8. Coming to an empty apartment is depressing. Walls cannot talk back. Cats however do.
9. You have no one to go to Wal-Mart with at 1 A.M.
10. You have no one to help carry in the $88.32 worth of stuff you bought at Wal-mart.
11. No one calls you at 7:30 A.M. on Saturday to get you up for class.
12. You miss the sensation of cold doggie nose on your testicles.
13. You secretly kind of wanted to see Horton Hears a Who.
14. You find it hard to sleep without someone snoring in your ear and taking all the covers.

I may add more to this as thoughts occur to me, and anyone else should feel free to add to it as well.

From the article:

Translated, this means that in a modern society where people are “more different” from one another than they were, I would argue, pre-capitalism, it is harder to find a marital partner whose personality and, as Wolfers and Stephenson argue, consumption preferences, are sufficiently complementary to yours to render the person “marriageable.”

Folks can afford to be this picky because they don’t need marriage to survive economically, just to make them happy. That, I would argue, is a Good Thing.

I thought it was just about the convenient sex.

So, in effort to both illustrate my point and to annoy sloth by providing the elf with all things Hello Kitty, here is a Vader-Hello Kitty tattoo.

Now, the next time your significant other or current fling denies you the nookie you so rightfully deserve, just point him/her/them to this website.

You can thank me later.

1. The dog ate my condom.

2. Cold doggy nose on my balls. AKA instant shrivel.

3. The 5-0 at the door. Courtesy of Sage.

4. Partner taking phone calls or texting the parent folk.  Also courtesy of Sage.

MALE LIONS SPEND MOST OF THE DAY THINKING ABOUT MATING

So men and lions have at least one thing in common, since according to Cosmo, men think about sex at least 3841895 times a day. And we all know if it’s in Cosmo, it must be true.

This is why women are never able to fully appreciate the awesomeness that is pizza. Yes, some women like pizza but they are genetically incapable of the level of pizza loving that men are.

The pizza chromosome is also responsible for the love of sports (which always go better with pizza), beer (no explanation necessary), video games, and action movies.

This is one of those basic facts of life. Just like the fact that I am more capable of love than the elf because I have a longer arm span. When I stretch my arms out and say “I love you this much” I have more love available than her much smaller arm span. I know sometimes life isn’t fair but this is how it is.

These astonishing discoveries were brought to you by universities, hospitals, and insurance companies; and probably financed by those fruitcakes we call the government.

What a brilliant idea! Depriving a tired, cranky, crampy woman of the three things she most wants just before Aunt Flo comes to town is exactly what your should do to help alleviate her misery! No satisfyingly salty potato chips, no muscle-relaxing glasses of wine, and no date night with Ben & Jerry? You may as well go on a moonlit stroll with a werewolf. Your death would be much quicker and probably less messy than that brought on by a PMSy woman who can’t have what she most craves.

The answer: because where they are cows, you don’t need condoms.

I thought it was because it’s hard to buy condoms from your couisn to use with your other cousin.

What’s the real reason? And does the answer move with the time. So in certin parts is it because “where there are sheep you don’t need condoms” or “where there are llamas you don’t need condoms?”

9. Good sex keeps you from spending money as easily. You want to keep your clothes off. Face it, it is much harder to spend money naked than fully clothed.

8. Good sex makes you want to spend TIME, not money on the one that you want.

7. Good sex makes you crave your partner and not starbucks. You will save a fortune on not splurging on little things that make you happy for a brief moment. The knowledge that your cravings will be filled for hours at home will stop you from spending on little expenses through out the day.

6. Good sex makes you eat less. You will save thousands a year on lower food comsumption bills.

5. Good sex makes you want to plan for your future. It is so much easier to plan for a great future when you know what one aspect of your life will be.

4. Good sex is a great way to cut down on entertainemnt expenses. Do you really need the dinner, movie, and the perfect outfit?

3. Good sex is a vacation everytime. Do you really need to spend thousands seeing Mickey Mouse in his little red button shorts? Or would you rather see your mate without any pants on at all?

2. Great sex saves you hundreds on utility bills. You create your own heat in the winter and ice cubes are now much more exciting in the summer.

Tie for the number ONE reason…depending on if you are career minded or family minded…..

1. Great sex puts you in a different frame of mind. Your co-workers wonder if you have successfully gained a new promotion or if you know something that they don’t know. It will drive them nuts, putting you in a position to out perform them. They will spend their time worrying, why you have the confidence to get the job done.

or

1. Just the thought of you having sex will make your children run and hide. They can’t ask you for money if they are hiding from you.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow shit, he began to
realize how warm he was. The shit was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Oops, I mean here!