Now, the next time your significant other or current fling denies you the nookie you so rightfully deserve, just point him/her/them to this website.

You can thank me later.

1. The dog ate my condom.

2. Cold doggy nose on my balls. AKA instant shrivel.

3. The 5-0 at the door. Courtesy of Sage.

4. Partner taking phone calls or texting the parent folk.  Also courtesy of Sage.

Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”

Guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

“How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

I have two of the Sprint SERO plans. That’s two plans of 500 minutes each, unlimited data and unlimited text messaging for $30 per phone. Plus some other discounts. This is a good deal. However, it seems like every third bill Sprint does something stupid and charges me extra.

Avast!!!

This time it was charging me for a service the elf added, found to be nonfunctional, and called within 10 minutes to cancel. The CSR I spoke with today even saw the record of that call and acknowledged I should not have been billed. I believe Sprint was trying to ambush me. This did not work since I have written the book on ambush.

Pirates 1 – Ass Ninjas 0

So anyway. I had to find something to listen to. Something not Enya. I switched to the Ghetto Booty Bump’n'Grind channel and noticed the song playing was called “My Girl Gotta Girlfriend”. Of course I listened to it. I promptly decided I needed to share it with you all.

Sadly, embedding for this fantabulous softcore pr0n-esque video is disabled. So you’ll have to click here instead. And because the lyrics are not really in English, but are so amazing, you can find them here.

I apologize for the lack of creativity in this post.. but I’m just too tired (or possibly too rumified) to think of anything funnier to type.

Oops, I mean here!

To be fair, I think the only really hot one in this group is the lead singer. But still.

Voila La Bearded Clam

Editor’s note: This has been recategorized. Fuzzy cutes is for things like kittens and stuff, not shell fish. Not even if the clam is bearded. That totally doesn’t count.

HAHAHA. A YouTube search of this “artist”’s name turned up this educational video on how to close your over stuffed luggage.

I feel so bad that I laughed at this…. but then sloth cracked up when I showed it to him. So I’m not the only awful person posting on abodes.

So, without further a doo doo, *drumrollllllll* NEW WHEELS ON THE BLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. – Make sure to continue watching the video beyond the first ‘non-english’ song, it only gets better/worse.

(Editor’s note: There are some who may find this video offensive. There are some people who are offended by everything though.)

I’d say that’s hot but I find myself uncertain.

Warning, the first link goes to a site that links to adult content. When I clicked a link to go there I didn’t see any, but the banner ads could shift and be all like ZOMG PR0N or something.

And for some guitar heroing:
TROGDOR (Expert) 191k (1:56 long)
Last Child (Expert) Perfect (4:43 long)

I am with you on the age item. I have not been able to memroize most things ever. I forget things. I can remember concepts but that’s about it. My kitty often reminds me to feed her (and thus myself).