Rumor has it that Sage is not feeling so great today. He quite probably is suffering from Fanconi Anemia Ranula Thrombasthenia Syndrome. Maybe he should go see the doctor and visit the pharmacy. Then again, maybe he just needs some rest and relaxation.
In an effort to confront the laziness that sets in during the winter months, here are some motivational posters to help us all out.
We have already discussed how sex can be financially rewarding.
Now, the next time your significant other or current fling denies you the nookie you so rightfully deserve, just point him/her/them to this website.
So I was laying in bed with the woman last nite, and I hear her dog start chewing on something. I say to her, “Please tell me she’s not chewing on what I think she’s chewing on.” And of course, I was correct as always, the bitch(finally I get to use this term and not get slapped) was chewing on un-used condoms, which curiously smell like orange peel. After a bout of uncontrollable laughter, the mood was totally gone. So I say to her, “I’m totally gonna put this on the blog.” And since I don’t like to disappoint, I thought I’d start a list of mood killers. Please feel free to add your mood killers.
1. The dog ate my condom.
2. Cold doggy nose on my balls. AKA instant shrivel.
3. The 5-0 at the door. Courtesy of Sage.
4. Partner taking phone calls or texting the parent folk. Also courtesy of Sage.
For those of you that haven’t experienced it (yet), here is a how to guide on gettin jiggy in da car. Or in Sage’s case, in da matchbox. NSFW ads, other stuff.
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
Guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
Dealing with Sprint is like dealing with a ninja who has decided to shove his hand up your ass to check for any hidden money. The only way to defeat them is to pay careful attention to your phone bill and have stainless steel undergarments.
I have two of the Sprint SERO plans. That’s two plans of 500 minutes each, unlimited data and unlimited text messaging for $30 per phone. Plus some other discounts. This is a good deal. However, it seems like every third bill Sprint does something stupid and charges me extra.
This time it was charging me for a service the elf added, found to be nonfunctional, and called within 10 minutes to cancel. The CSR I spoke with today even saw the record of that call and acknowledged I should not have been billed. I believe Sprint was trying to ambush me. This did not work since I have written the book on ambush.
Pirates 1 - Ass Ninjas 0
During my morning commute, Radio Margaritaville was playing Enya’s Orinoco Flow. I don’t approve of this song choice. Just because a song says “sail away” doesn’t mean it should be on Radio Margaritaville. Enya is NOT chillin’ on the beach drinkin’ margaritas music. But I digre..OH!LOOK!SHINY! Someone forgot her Adderall today.. *hears sloth’s voice in her head saying, “focus grasshopper”*
So anyway. I had to find something to listen to. Something not Enya. I switched to the Ghetto Booty Bump’n'Grind channel and noticed the song playing was called “My Girl Gotta Girlfriend”. Of course I listened to it. I promptly decided I needed to share it with you all.
Sadly, embedding for this fantabulous softcore pr0n-esque video is disabled. So you’ll have to click here instead. And because the lyrics are not really in English, but are so amazing, you can find them here.
Can be heard here and read here. Enjoy this fantabulous new song.
I apologize for the lack of creativity in this post.. but I’m just too tired (or possibly too rumified) to think of anything funnier to type.
