So that parts good. But then I had to buy a laptop case. You see, my laptop bag that I held my 12″ PowerBook in was not nearly big enough for the beast that is this lappy (it has a full numeric keypad!). While shopping for lappy bags, I thought to myself, “Self, this lappy is so big that if you carry it in a soft bag you will bash it into everything. Maybe you should look into a hard sided lappy case.”

Thus I purchased a Solo Attachè on Newegg. (God typing the grave mark over a vowel is way more of a pain in Windows). It’s sweet. It’s big. It’s heavy. It’s sweet.

Closed case on my stove.
Case with lappy and accessories
Case with objects to give relative size

Now, before you say “Wait sloth, that looks really bulky for a lappy. Why did you buy that?” let me point out that there is nothing light or easily portable about a 17″ laptop. I bought it for three reasons: 1) my desktop sucks by modern standards, 2) I wanted a new machine to game on, and 3) I wanted a new machine to code on. A big portable desktop that happens to have a battery included was the perfect solution. This case is basically an armored shell to make sure it survives from point A to point B. If point B happens to be on the other side of point IRAQ it had better well make it unscathed.

Also, if you ever need a large amount of money carried somewhere I have the perfect case for it. I only charge 5%.

Bonsai Kitten

Turns out the woman is good for something, pointing me here.

1. Cooking for one person is so pointless you might as well get a pizza. Or Wendy’s. It’s actually cheaper.
2. Hanging out with a couple means you are the third wheel.
3. No one goes to a restaurant to eat by themselves.
4. People ask ‘How is your dating life going?’
5. You are the subject of lots of useless advice.
6. You have to clean your apartment all by yourself.
7. Porn is not a substitute for sex.
8. Coming to an empty apartment is depressing. Walls cannot talk back. Cats however do.
9. You have no one to go to Wal-Mart with at 1 A.M.
10. You have no one to help carry in the $88.32 worth of stuff you bought at Wal-mart.
11. No one calls you at 7:30 A.M. on Saturday to get you up for class.
12. You miss the sensation of cold doggie nose on your testicles.
13. You secretly kind of wanted to see Horton Hears a Who.
14. You find it hard to sleep without someone snoring in your ear and taking all the covers.

I may add more to this as thoughts occur to me, and anyone else should feel free to add to it as well.

Apparently some people are worried about the zombies coming to attack. This Jock Strap guy or maybe strippers could end up as zombies.

The best ones:

That last one made me think of the TARPS service in Toledo, OH. TARPS just sounds like a pejorative term for handicapped people.

Now, the next time your significant other or current fling denies you the nookie you so rightfully deserve, just point him/her/them to this website.

You can thank me later.

1. The dog ate my condom.

2. Cold doggy nose on my balls. AKA instant shrivel.

3. The 5-0 at the door. Courtesy of Sage.

4. Partner taking phone calls or texting the parent folk.  Also courtesy of Sage.

I see the appeal of “I’m a Slave 4 U” (oh, how I mourn the days of hot Britney), “Doin’ It”, which is musical sex, and even “Closer” since I’m twisted like that. But “Your Body Is a Wonderland”? Sorry. Soft rock hits just put me to sleep. “Push It” makes me think of pep rallies and working out. And why on earth would “I Touch Myself” be considered a getting busy song, unless your definition of getting busy includes solo time with a XXX Hentai midget pr0n website, an XL bottle of lube and/or a fuzzy leopard print vibrator of DOOM?

Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”

Guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

Guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

“How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

I have two of the Sprint SERO plans. That’s two plans of 500 minutes each, unlimited data and unlimited text messaging for $30 per phone. Plus some other discounts. This is a good deal. However, it seems like every third bill Sprint does something stupid and charges me extra.

Avast!!!

This time it was charging me for a service the elf added, found to be nonfunctional, and called within 10 minutes to cancel. The CSR I spoke with today even saw the record of that call and acknowledged I should not have been billed. I believe Sprint was trying to ambush me. This did not work since I have written the book on ambush.

Pirates 1 – Ass Ninjas 0

The Hoff has relapsed and is now undergoing detox in some hospital somewhere. Or maybe he just realized what the rest of us already know – sobriety is overrated.

Condoms

Yeah, they suck. But back in WWII they were funny. The one they showed was called the “Anti-Baby Condom”. As a rule I’m pro-Anti-Baby anything. I support this condom.

First, a CD of 100 simulations of boob action voices. What are those? I don’t know, but here is the cover. Ever wish you were a pair of headphones?

Also, there is a link to a dōjin game that is marked there as NSFW. I can imagine why from the above image.

• Chaptarrr 1: Speakin’ Like a Bucanneer
• Chaptarrr 2: Understandin’ Tavern Wenches: How to get them to let you on board
• Chaptarrr 3: Pillagin’ Techniques: On deck vs. in the village
• Chaptarrr 4: Raidin’ the Coastal Villages: How to handle a bunch of wenches at once
• Chaptarrr 5: Ambush! How to take them by surprise
• Chaptarrr 6: Disguise: When to lower the Jolly Roger and how to act like a gentleman for a few minutes
• Chaptarrr 7: Basic Stateroom Techniques: Hasty and violent
• Chaptarrr 8: Advanced Stateroom Techniques: Even more hasty and violent

Oh, and this site is completely wrong. Chicks dig pirates.